Lovable Already

About six months ago, my man and I got married in a small, special ceremony surrounded by family. Little did I know this milestone would also be an opportunity to practice reprogramming my brain pathways!

Let me explain: a few weeks before the big day, I started to have a bit of a freak out… like I wasn’t ready to get married. This felt odd at first glance because I was actually feeling SO READY to officially wed my sweet man, but this anxiety was arising in me that felt like time was moving too fast. Looking a little closer to what was going on in my emotional world, I realized that with all the trappings, expectations, and “rules” that can surround a wedding, I wasn’t feeling ready because I hadn’t hit those ridiculous checklist items I had created for myself at some point: my income wasn’t big enough yet, my career not advanced enough yet, my muscles not sculpted enough yet, my invitations out too late... yada yada yada.

Bringing this into the light allowed me to have some compassion for myself and I reminded my inner critic and my brain of a truth that my spirit and heart already knew deep down: I am already LOVABLE EXACTLY AS I AM. I don’t need to prove my worth through productivity nor do I have to accomplish this or that in order to be loved. One of the greatest things about my now husband (and the reason I chose to marry him) is that he already loves me as I am right now and is willing to grow with me through all of those checklist items and cycles of life. And I get to gift myself that joy of loving myself as I am and growing with myself too.

{photos by @caitlinnightingale}

As we get ready to throw our summer party bash soon to celebrate the seasons of Love, I can feel the shadows and whispers of this old programming hanging out in the back corners of my ego and so I am grateful for the reminder to continue reinforcing: I AM LOVABLE ALREADY.

So here’s your little reminder for yourself as you make your way from spring into summer, from new moon to full moon (on the 17th!):

YOU are lovable right now. You already are enough.

Shed those expectations and obligations you’ve picked up along the way that don’t actually resonate with who you actually are. You can start that project anytime, wear that outfit (or bikini) whenever you want, take time off or make space for rest when you need it, that you don’t have to DO anything right now in order to be loved. You already are. It’s your birthright.

Remind yourself of this when you need. And if you need help remembering your lovability, I’m here to remind you. xo

Witness the Contrast

I’m back from the desert full of inspiration, discoveries, and a heart so big with love for the community of new friends who I met on retreat. I’ll be sharing bits and pieces of that experience as I move further into this “yawning” period of coming out of my winter/spring cocoon. I was reminded by how much COMMUNITY is so important for our well-being and healing and living a vibrant life. And I’m really grateful for this little community right here. Thank you for being here to witness my heart and hear my stories!

One of the things I’ve found surprising about the desert is the contrast. At first glance you see the sharpness of the cacti, the hardness of the rocks, the dryness of the soil. When I looked closer, I spotted the softness of the bunnies and the flower petals, the lightness of the bees and butterflies, and the wetness of my own body fluids (sweat and tears! 😂).

In those moments of witnessing contrast, I was able to hold space for all the dimensions of myself in one breath.

This is much like the full moon. While we get to gaze at the beauty of her bright, full light, there’s also a whole other side to her that’s washed in shadow. There’s a part that we don’t see with our eyes that’s still present in each moment.

My full moon wish for you is to witness the contrast. To see the grey area. To feel the shadow and the brightness. To allow the clear clarity of knowing exactly what you want and who you are while also giving space for the unknown magic of mystery. To know that you can be “this” AND “that” at the same time, in the same moment, even when it feels like opposites.

Like nature, you are a multi-faceted being with cycles, rhythms, heartbeats, pulses, and breaths. Here’s to you. ALL of you.

Give Yourself Time

Hello from Joshua Tree, CA! I booked a desert healing retreat for myself with fellow breathwork practitioner Erin Telford and I’m currently sitting in a hip, little coffeeshop/restaurant getting all my work done so I can really dive in and be present the rest of the weekend.

I have to admit: I’m a little nervous! I don’t know if I’ll know anyone on retreat and that feels a little out of my comfort zone. But I know that I need this and I’m sure I’ll come out the other side feeling refreshed and inspired.

I’ll be walking through the fire this weekend! {{And by that I mean I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone, gently breathing into the tender places ready to be seen, connecting to the earth, tapping into community support, and being open to all else that will help marinate me as I’m in my spring cocoon.}}

Speaking of cocoon’s, I’ve been thinking a lot about transitions as I’m finding myself in one and I’m leaning into the lessons it’s giving me.

One method of acting and creating original theatrical work that I studied at one time in my life would emphasize THE TRANSITIONS. The space IN BETWEEN point A and point B. The juicy, human, relatable stories are the spots right in the middle of the start and the finish.

As actors (and I think also as humans), we always wanted to rush from action to action to action. It felt good to be “busy” on stage because that felt like we were “interesting”. On the contrary, the audience doesn’t get pulled in or can’t FEEL for and with the character when we rush through those moments of indecision, self doubt, confusion, conviction, discovery, decision, insight, reflection, etc etc etc and the array of emotional responses we have before and/or after an event/action.

The STORY is in the transitions.

The GOLD is found in transition. Give yourself the gift of being present in the in-between. Allow some space between the busyness to feel where you are before beginning again. It might feel uncomfortable - growing pains are a sign of the change that’s coming.

Here’s to your metamorphosis, radiant being. Give yourself time.

(Talk to you on the other side of retreat!) xo!

The Soft Animal of Your Body

{Image from bellagracemagazine.com}

With the passing of Mary Oliver earlier this year, I loved seeing all the posts sharing her body of work. There were so many favorites I was reminded of that just speak to my soul, but one that has stayed with me over the past several months is this one:

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
-Mary Oliver, “Wild Geese”

While the whole piece is exquisite even beyond that excerpt from above, the line that keeps playing over and over in my heart and mind is:

…the soft animal of your body…

I just love this so much!

I once trained with a physical theatre company who’s methodology was all about letting the body of the actor move and feel and react in the instinctive way we would if we weren’t so… for lack of a better word… “civilized”. To allow the physics of our body and the gravity of our world be the guide. To allow our animal roots and instinctive reactions come out to play. So when we are angry, we allow the body to pulse and feel the fire of energy radiate from the inside out. When we feel grief, we allow the well of sadness to overflow from each cell so that it is palpable to an audience. When we feel ecstatic joy, we allow the body’s shape and form to be just as expansive and electric.

Training in this form of art-making was very healing as it gave permission for the body to communicate the way it does best, which is not through words necessarily, but through feelings, images, expression, energy.

It provided a structure and an understanding of it being okay and normal and actually quite NATURAL for the body to be messy and complicated and soft and instinctive and evolving with desires, needs, wants, cravings, yearnings.

We are come into the world being that way and we are trained to hone it in and tone it down.

And I think this is one reason why I love breathwork so much. In the sacred container of breathwork, we give the mind a job to do (breathe) so that the body can communicate in the way it does best (feelings, images, expression, energy). With the movement of our oxygen, we have movement of our emotions and energy. With the permission to express, we have the safe space to make noise, to yell, to shout, to moan, groan, wail, sob, laugh, and give the warrior cry that is being held in our cells while we are being “civilized”. With the power and invitation of our breath, we let our bodies be soft and the animal that it is, without judgement, limitations, or the perfect box it’s “supposed to” fit in.

So if you’ve breathed with me recently or if you join me for breathwork sometime in the next several months, you may hear me use this phrase!

Of course, breathwork isn’t the only way to allow the soft animal of your body some space for healing, if that modality doesn’t resonate for you. You can dance it out, shake your body, break things, pelt a pillow, bash a kickboxing bag, belt at the top of your voice in your car or your shower, have sex, make art, play in the dirt, break a sweat doing some sort of physical exertion to help move that energy through your body, giggle or laugh hysterically, move through a yoga flow, walk in nature, etc etc etc, trust that you will know what you need to give yourself!

Most importantly, just L I S T E N to your body.

No matter how silly or un-logical or strange or quiet or simple the request, can you give your body what it loves even just for a moment?

This springtime full moon, as we continue to awaken and rebirth and get messy through the growing phases of the season, my wish for you is to honor the fullness of yourSELF. The fullness of your spirit. To honor the whole spectrum of emotions that you feel as a human being in this physical form, no matter how big or small.

{image from @chaninicholas on instgram}

Happy Full Moon radiant being!