Fear of Joy
For anyone who knows me, I have a pretty high happiness threshold. Meaning that my happiness manifests itself easily, quickly, and in a "squeal-out-loud" kind of bubbly glee. So knowing this about myself and the childlike joy and awe I carry, I was surprised to discover this week that I also have a FEAR of joy.
I made this realization when I was going to work at the healing center I recently started working for. There was the possibility that I was going to need to give up my Monday shift there for another type of work and I didn't notice how depressed (and stressed) that was making my body feel until a friend pointed it out. Having someone else see that in me suddenly gave me the permission to feel how happy working at the center made me. So, this Monday, while walking from the subway to the center, I intended to hold space for my happiness. And it felt so INCREDIBLE to let the joy (and the subsequent gratitude) free flow and fill my entire body! Bliss!
I feel like this is a great depiction of how my joy feels. Yes! Expansive, song-filled joy!
I think this goes back to one of the core mindset shifts I am working on right now: valuing myself. I am worthy of this kind of happiness. I am enough for this type of joy. Old programs I am trying to let go of are the thoughts that work has to be hard and unpleasant and draining. Sometimes there's a fear that if I allow myself to fully enjoy what I love, in terms of work, that somehow it will be taken away. There's a scene in the Sex in the City movie (yes, I am a sucker for chick flicks….they make my happiness threshold barometer go: BOOOOOING!) that relates to this: the character Charlotte is afraid to go running (despite being an avid, regular runner) after finding out that she's pregnant because everything is going so well in her life. She feels so happy that she's afraid something bad is going to happen right around the corner because all of her other gals are going through some shitty stuff that she holds herself back from doing what she loves.
Huh. How bogus is that?! (And yet, how many of us do this to ourselves, myself included?) While bracing ourselves for the next hardship and struggle, we often forget to allow ourselves to fully revel in our joy and bliss. Of course, life has it's ups and downs. By focusing on future fears of the "downs", we negate our "ups". Which returns us to the power of being in the moment (isn't the lesson always about being here NOW… so easy to say but hard to do!) Being in this emotion. This circumstance. This moment. This breath. Now. And now. And now. And then valuing ourselves. Now. Because we are enough right now as we are.
“When you see joy beside the agony, you have the keen vision of a soul warrior.”
Point(s) to ponder: where are you right now? What emotions are coming up for you? What fills you with complete joy? Do you allow yourself to own this joy? If not, can you in this moment right now? And now? And now?
Light and love!!