Breathwork Breakthrough

Belly heart open mouth
I dove into the week
head-first knowing
something big was gonna shift
because lots of old shit
was being stirred up
before I even left

shame, secrecy, guilt
am I worthy enough?
am I being responsible?
am I being selfish?
for taking this time
for spending this money
to do, what I knew deep down
my heart was on fire to do?

belly heart open mouth
I allowed the breath to take over
surrendering to whatever came up
after feeling discomfort in circle
when we shared about
intuition, sensitivity, emotions
blocks, judgement, money
family, relationships, pain
value, worth, exchange
and, ultimately, self love

belly heart open mouth
I admitted that I abandon my body
money makes me anxious
debt makes me feel like a bad person
insulin makes me fear for my survival
it's hard for me to receive
and I don't allow myself to have a voice sometimes

belly heart open mouth
I ventured into my body
with circle opposite partners
supportive, generous, beautiful healers
holding space for my journey
with oils, affirmations, touch
each one giving me exactly what I needed
to purge
to go deeper
to cleanse
to see clearer
to release
to laugh lighter
to cry
to scream louder
to heal
to feel freer

belly heart open mouth
Ali sang a song for my tears
feeling the beauty of angels and light
around the flowing of deep sadness
Randi released the shame and grief
I was holding around my femininity
acknowledging the block in my second chakra
and the hiding of a dream from my feminine center
to create and to embrace being flowy
Kathleen held space for the black thorns
that had overgrown in my sacral chakra
to blossom into pink roses
and then a lush garden as Mother Earth wrapped her ivy around mine
as my body became one with her soil
the insulin in my body sparkled
through my veins like golden energy
the fire and power of the goddess in my solar plexus
began to grow
I've got work to do
Bengt gently led me to my younger self
the precious golden little girl
who had been lost
There's so much beauty in the world
and together, she and I, we danced across my body
which became the world
sprinkling golden fairy dust in every cell
every lake, river, mountain, plain
landing in my heart center
where my dad cradled her
where I didn't feel alone or abandoned anymore
Beth coaxed me to reclaim my childhood
reminding me what it is
to giggle like a little girl
for me to give to ME freely
making healing easy
becoming my own abundant, generous money tree
and with her magical massaging hands
I let go of my father's pain
my mother's pain
my siblings pain
my family's pain
I let go of MY pain
my triggers to sugar
my stubbornness
my habit of filling up my cup last
and when I stopped holding my own bird cage closed
and when I stopped squeezing my own throat
I could finally sing
I could finally be free

belly heart open mouth
I was nestled all week in love by a tribe
who doing their own healing
valued me and mine
their power and strength as gifted healers
mirrored for me what I had yet to claim
in myself
as I also held space for the healing of my partners
and in this nest created by my new tribe
I read my poetry
performed with my body
and sang with an open heart and throat
realizing that allowing myself to take up space
with creative expression
is an essential form of self love

belly heart open mouth
as the journey came to a close
David, the reluctant amazing healer
held space for my most joyful breathwork experience ever
my breathwork breakthrough
free from resistance
free from holding my heart closed
self love and joy surged through my body
laughs and a yell so pure from my open throat
and a feeling of finally being at home in my body
as my body became my abundance tree
with my roots firmly in Mother Earth
spirit animals gathered around
I am not alone
a garden in my womb
birds flying in and out
of the heart in the center of the trunk
in the center of my chest
feeling the wind in my branches
reaching up and around
to the sun, the moon, and all the stars in the Universe
Spirit flew in as I made a contract to be of service:
You are ready
You are home
You are love

belly heart open mouth
and gratitude
sweet and deep love
for the gift of breath
filling up and releasing layers
for a new me
a truer me
belly
heart
open mouth
 

PMS: Pre-Menstrual Shame

*Goddess Circle painting by Molly Roberts

As I am in the midst of creating content for a self-care workshop and summer program, I've been pondering why it feels difficult to ask women to rest for the first few days of their period. Posing this request as a means of self-care feels like a daunting task to do for said women. Why is that? I wondered. 

And then it hit me yesterday as I was showering after my workout (water is grounding so we sometimes get our best insight or clarity when we're in the shower or bath!). 

There is some shame around our menstrual cycles.

And in admitting we have menses, we are acknowledging we experience everything that goes along with bleeding every month.

In the not so far away past, when women were trying to establish a place in the work force and as we continue to become business owners, CEOs, and voicing the need for equal pay, we have needed to assert that we are reliable, consistent, and dependable. (And we are.) To compete in the work world society has established, women have to "keep up" with the masculine way of productivity and prove, in a way, that we have the "balls" and wherewithal to be in charge. And in doing such, we have had to ignore or suppress the feminine flow of cycles that is so natural to us. So we push through, take the pill, create edges where maybe we were once soft, and put on our man-pants. We even sometimes hide the fact that we are on our period by using code phrases like "auntie flow" or "THAT time of the month", because it feels unacceptable to use it as an "excuse" for being tired or more emotional. "Oh you must be on your period" has felt like an insulting remark. I've even been known to buy pads or tampons with a bunch of other products in the hopes that they will blend in or hide, so that even the stranger ringing out my purchases doesn't know I'm menstruating. 

There is a secrecy to our bleeding. We don't often talk about it with our men because we don't want to make them feel sqweemish or have them feel like they need to tip toe around us. And when we realize that we actually need the time to rest and experience the fact that we are indeed much more emotional around this time in our cycle, it brings up some shame. Shame about the fact that we aren't "normal" and can't "keep up" all the time in the supposed standard of "consistency". (Although, we are consistent....consistently more soft and inward when we consistently have our period.. Consistentcy expressed in a different way...)

And here's the thing: we ARE normal. We go through cycles and rhythms as natural as nature, as the seasons, as the moon. Our cycles match the energy cycles of plants, a creative project, of life and death itself. Starting from a tiny seed, growing, blossoming, releasing, decaying, going inward, to once again begin anew as a seed in the earth. Spring, summer, fall, winter, spring. New, waxing, full, waning, new. Conception, growth, birth, growth, death, rebirth. And men go through similar cycles as well, even if it feels a little more subtle than the physical menstrual cycle a woman goes through. Even if you are a woman who no longer physically bleeds, on an energetic level, the cycles are still there. 

So when we deny these cycles, when we hide them, ignore them, and suppress them, we cut off our own inspiration, negate our feminine power, and undermine our own natural wisdom. We become disconnected from our bodies. We develop illness. We start to have crazy PMS symptoms when we don't listen to our intuition, like quitting that job, leaving that relationship, changing our diet, or voicing our needs. We are missing part of our depth. And our bodies and spirits can't take it anymore. I have witnessed in men and women both, but particularly women, a yearning and a craving for a return to a more sacred, natural, deeper way of connecting to self and other. Our bodies are crying out for it. Our souls are hungry for it. 

I believe there was a need to show up like men in the world to make progress in equal rights and create change. I have gratitude for the women who have pioneered this for us. I'm not bashing the pill or saying we shouldn't be out there in the workforce with integrity, reliability, and accountability. But I also feel like now is the time for us to rise...in a new way. For women to reclaim the power in our cycles. No more secrecy or shame. Acknowledging that we are emotional beings. Because HUMANS are emotional beings. And that it is perfectly normal to need to rest. To go inward. To honor the cycles of our energy and body. 

And if we can allow ourselves and our sisters to rest and care for self with tenderness, we also give space for our men to also do the same. When we resist the "go, go, go" of our culture rather then resist the natural rhythms of the cycles of life, we show up in space of self love and presence that is in harmony with our being. And what wondrous ways might we BE and show up, if we surrender and allow and work WITH our bodies?  I predict amazing, great, brilliant, soulfully fulfilled ways. 

A Body-Love Practice: Arizona Lesson

Part of my work in cultivating more self-love has been the practice of loving my body as it is right now… in this very moment and not waiting until I'm satisfied with my body fat percentage, how much I can lift, how clear my skin is, or what my blood sugar norm is.  Here I share a narrative from an experience I had while I was traveling in Arizona in April, where I had a particular moment of despair and how the magic of the hiking trails reminded me of an important lesson: 

It had been a long day of travel.  Going to bed late the night before and weird sleep schedules earlier in the week that caused lingering fatigue had me sleeping through the 6am alarm, so that when I woke at 8 with a start, swearing as I leapt out of bed with sleep still in my eyes, I was shocked that I was supposed to be at the airport right then instead of in my pjs with sleep marks still fresh on my cheek.  Thank goddess for uber cars and for the woman who put me through priority cause despite choosing the slowest security line and my gate being the farthest one away, I was last to board 5 minutes before take off. 

By 8pm that night, after a harried start, not getting my usual amount of caffeine straight away, and with my body three hours ahead still on New York time, I was EXHAUSTED.  The only thing to do, I mused, was to take a hot bath in the gloriously deep tub in the place I was staying, to wash the weariness and travel away, before slipping into bed for a good night’s sleep.

As I disrobed my clothes and glanced at my naked body in the huge bathroom mirrors, disappointment and frustration swept through my emotional body.  It was about a year exactly since I looked at my reflection in this specific mirror and I had hoped I would’ve seen more progress in my physique.  More defined muscles, tighter abs, stronger glutes.  I stepped into the tub and sunk down into the warm, soapy water with my paralleled sunken optimism.  “You preach about loving your body and here you are hating yours,” an inner voice said to me.  Ouch.  That critical and disapproving voice was right and it hurt.  As I submerged myself beneath the suds of bubbles and scanned my figure as it went under the surface, another much more kind and wise voice said, “You have the body of a goddess.”  With a sigh (and a roll of the eyes at how OF COURSE my inner wisdom would say something cheesy like THAT!), knowing that much of the disappointment was due to utter exhaustion, I gave myself the task of practicing self-love, especially because it felt REALLY difficult to muster in that particular moment. 

So I took time lathering, shampooing, conditioning, shaving, pondering.  When I emerged from the tub feeling clean and warm and soft, after gently toweling myself dry, I began to moisturize my entire body, but this time, with intention and purpose.  With each place that I slathered on and rubbed in my lotion, I whispered to myself what I loved about that body part, no matter how difficult it was to come up with something.  No matter how simple the reason for the love.  Not moving on until I declared something and truly felt it.  Without my glasses on, so that my view in the mirror would be softened with a new type of vision, I began from the bottom and made my way up:

I love my feet because they walk many miles and connect me to my mother the Earth.  The arches of my feet make me feel sexy when I’m barefoot and I adore having my toenails painted a sassy red.

I love my calves, my ankles, and my large knee caps because they remind me of my dad.  I have my dad’s knees.  My dad’s legs. 

I love my muscular thighs and glutes because they are thick and strong and sturdy.  They help me lift heavy things and carry me throughout the world with ease and grace.

I love my wide hips because they are child-bearin’ hips.  My hips help hold babies on them.  My hips allow me to express my sensuality when I sway, dance, swivel, strut.  My hips hold my pelvic bowl – my place of feminine power and creativity.

I love my soft belly because (and this was a hard one) she graciously has been a landing pad for all of the needles that are necessary for my sweet nectar, my insulin. 

I love my core muscles that lay under my soft belly because they are strong and allow me to move my body in expressive performance storytelling. 

I love my breasts because they make me feel womanly and soft and nurturing and sensual. 

I love my chest because my heart is there.  My tender loving raw human heart.

I love my arms because they hold space, hug, carry, lift, support, serve, express.

I love my hands because they are healing hands.  Hands that bring light, hold broken hearts, create flow, restore balance, touch.

I love my long neck because it reminds me of my mom.  I have my mom’s neck – a luscious, feminine, throat-chakra-holding neck.

I love my lips, my mouth, my freckled cheeks, my nose, my blue eyes, my pale skin, my wildish strawberry blonde hair because they make me feel beautiful.  Sometimes glamorous beauty.  Sometimes natural beauty.  Always expressive beauty. 

And by the time I finished, I felt better.  More beautiful.  More patient.  More loving and understanding towards myself.  And with the promise to be more gentle with my self-judgment, I slipped on my pajamas and pulled down the covers for restful, rejuvenating, comforting sleep.  With a promise to work at loving myself right now in this moment exactly as I am.

As the days followed on my vacation and as I clocked in 30 miles of hikes with my man, the trails on the mountains reminded me of an important lesson in patience and self-love.  My tendency on the hikes, and sometimes in life, is to rush out of the gate and only be focused on getting to the end FAST (many times complaining about the difficulty and the burning in my thighs the whole way! Ha!).  But as I spent each day hiking and connecting to nature, I found that it was more about the path and the time spent BETWEEN the start and the finish.  The time to breathe deep and enjoy the scenery around me, the sweat on my brow, the company of my love, and the simple, deep fact that, despite what I thought I saw in the mirror on my first night, I AM stronger and I HAVE made progress.  The point of this life isn’t to sprint into the grave, but rather to enjoy the climbing of hills, the downhill depths of the valleys, the slow strolls, the restful spots, the joyful dances, AND the hardcore sprints (when appropriate) through this glorious and precious life.  And when I'm enjoying the JOURNEY rather than the DESTINATION, I can begin by loving my body in this moment.  In this breath.  Now.  And now.  And now. 

Broken Open

I couldn't help myself and I wrote another piece about the journey I went on during a Breathwork workshop I took on Friday (I foresee a future anthology chronicling my healing adventure with Breathwork!).  I share this because I want to show up in a vulnerable, honest, authentic way.  I am here for you, just as you, in reading this, are being a witness for me  We are in this together and I am evermore grateful for that.  

again
on my blanket
taking up my spot
in the dark room
my monthly therapy session
with a community of seeking people
as a groupie of Erin's
and her ability to hold nurturing sacred space

even as we practiced the breathing
before we began
my body started to tingle
goosebumps in anticipation
of the deep soul work to follow

belly, heart, open mouth
with oils helping centers swirling
belly, heart, open mouth
we began our descent 
into our being
as one
belly, heart, open mouth

it began fast this time
a few moments into the breathing
tightness in the solar plexus 
and a breaking open of the heart
as a cry broke forth from my lips
and hot tears streamed out of my eyes

not much thinking this time
a few sensations in my body
visions in my mind's eye
and a breaking open of the heart
as the breath moved from 
belly, heart, open mouth

first flashed images of my puppy
and my heart broke open with love
for his adorable playful sweetness

second flashed images of my man
and my heart broke open with sadness
for the distance in miles between us

third flashed images of my dad
and my heart broke open with grief
for the stolen time cancer took from my grasp
 
and in between moments of breathing
belly, heart, open mouth
I sobbed
and sobbed
and sobbed 
belly, heart, open mouth
I wept
and wept 
and wept
belly, heart, open mouth
for the little girl who had lost her daddy
and for her sensitive body 
not knowing how to handle such pain
belly, heart, open mouth
for the grown woman who still grieved
and for her sensitive body
finding healing in the allowing of such pain

images of hospital gowns
sterile hallways
and the losing of red, curly hair
memories of his grin
sparkling blue-eyes
and the thinning chemo body
visions of his healthy years
comforting bear-hugs
and the fading sound of his voice
flushed through my consciousness 
as I breathed and cried and wailed
quietly, deeply, loudly, simply
belly, heart, open mouth

and then my energy started to feel lighter
the music changed
dear prudence by the beatles
the band who reminds me of my dad
"the sun is up, the sky is blue
it's beautiful and so are you"
and I grinned
and laughed
and cried happy, joyful tears

for the good times
and the blessings
of having such a loving father
even for a short time
feeling him there with me in the room
wrapping me in a warm blanket of love
and holding my hands
as my heart broke open with gratitude
with the realization
that he isn't actually gone
but is with me all the time
in my cells
in the color of my eyes and hair
in my broken-open-for-more-love heart
 

Image: *Astor Place* by artist E Falco

as we returned to normal breathing
peace filled me
and gratitude for the space
and the place
and the time
and the safety
of the nurturing nest of breathers and healers 
to mourn
to express
as loudly or as quietly as I needed to
feeling all the feels 
that had been stuck inside
as my inner guidance
gently inspired me to hold space
for the same in you
grief circles
a new calling 
a new healing
using breath
to open our hearts for more love