Shake Shimmy Swivel Swirl

She tossed her luxurious gorgeous thick black hair as she gracefully danced across the stage to Beyoncé in heels that made my ankles wince. Her body, adorned in glitter and a tight sparkly gold outfit, was beautifully muscular and petite. And yet her energy, heart, and passion expanded outward to fill the entire room with electricity that drew the audience to the edge of their seats as she slowly seduced us with teasing bits of clothing off. A zipper to reveal flesh here, a toss of a glove there. Despite it being my second burlesque show, I hoped no one noticed that I was blushing as I showed my support for my friend Sweetpea with cheers, hoots, and applause as I watched this woman bravely and flawlessly bare herself under the glow of stage lights to a packed room of people. Thoroughly enthralled and entertained and awed, I shocked even myself by quietly whispering after she strut off the stage: I want to do that someday.

Flash forward about five years, several layers of masked self removed, and a different city later, I found myself this past Saturday swiveling my hips in the mirror in a class I had curated for women, led by a wild woman friend leading us through buti yoga. I was intrigued by how uncomfortable and foreign the circular motion was to different parts of my body at first... how I don't usually move this way. As we isolated hips then chest, circling right and then left, I found one side harder, tighter, more restricted then the other. And as I started to get the hang of it, I realized MY BODY LOVED IT! My body was CRAVING circles! Which got me thinking about my range of movement on the regular day to day. We walk forwards. Sometimes backwards. We sit. We stand. I squat and lunge. Sometimes I downward dog and forward fold. Very straight, linear movement that sort of forgets that I have more than just one thick trunk as a core. I have hips, a waist, a busty chest. And they can shake, shimmy, swivel, and swirl.
 

And being encouraged to watch my beautiful body in the mirror as I moved, I was reminded of my burlesque dancing dreams from 5ish years ago. And I had fun dreaming up what my costume, music, and routine would look like (DEFINITELY fake eyelashes and lots of glitter!). For me, more than anything else, to stand on a stage and remove my clothing will be the ultimate act of self love. Of allowing myself to be seen. I'm not quite ready to make this happen yet and in the meantime I think I'm going to make moving my body in circles a regular practice, along with all the squats, lunges, two steps forward, one step back (cha cha cha!). And when I have my first performance booked, ya'll will be the first to know!

Point to ponder: what kind of movement is your body craving? Is it the same or different from what you are giving it now? How could you incorporate new moves into your daily groove? And what is a dream you have that is terrifying and thrilling?!

NYC babes: 4 more chances to join in the movement fun with Divine Rising on Saturday mornings!  This coming Saturday, we'll be exploring our body as our temple with subtle moves to increase awareness of our internal world.  More info here!

 

Emotions and Dis-Ease

In my Esoteric Energy Healing training, we discussed how 90%-ish of all dis-ease manifests first in the emotional body.  When not addressed or allowed to be in motion, the point of stress from the emotions can then appear in a physical way, creating illness in the physical body.

I can say that while I was probably predisposed genetically for diabetes, the trigger was most definitely emotional. 

And one of the pieces that has been missing in my health care for my diabetes is the unresolved, unacknowledged, unreleased of emotions that effects how I take care of my body.  My tendency all these years has been to just AVOID.  Diabetes?  No big deal.  I’m handling this just fine.  I would read articles or posts by other diabetics who would talk a lot about their fear of going to sleep at night or how aware they are of living on that delicate balance between life and death.  And I would think: whew!  I’m so glad I’ve never had to worry about that fear.  To me, it’s really no big deal.  I’m handling this just fine.

My external pancreas and holder/administrator of my sweet nectar.  

Avoidance (and denial) in its purest form, my friends.

Until I approached myself with courageous honesty and with the empowering breath.  In a room by myself, I spoke out loud my fears around my diabetes… I fear low blood sugars.  I fear high blood sugars.  I fear that I won’t have enough supplies or insulin.  I fear going to the doctor.  Every time I go to the pharmacy, I brace myself in fear that something will go wrong and they’ll tell me I can’t have my medicine.  Due to my notorious avoiding behavior around my diabetes (not only my emotions), I usually allow my supplies to get low and then find myself in a rush or a bind to get the things I need quick.  I never stock up.  Never have a plethora amount of what I need as back up (partially due to the fact that they are expensive and I’ve lived a good amount of my diabetic life uninsured – but that’s another story). 

So when I started to breathe (belly heart open mouth), I chose to shine a light on my shadows rather than hide them in denial.  And I was surprised to hear myself affirm out loud to myself as the tears started to rise up:  I have diabetes, but I am not a bad person.

As I continued to breathe into this new awareness, I realized that deep down hidden somewhere in my psyche, I felt like having diabetes made me a bad person.  I must’ve caused myself to have this disease by eating too much sugar and overloading my body when it was sensitive after experiencing a huge emotional trauma.  Every time I go into the doctor I brace myself for a lecture because I’m a bad person.  I avoid checking my blood sugar because if it’s high, I’m a bad person.  There isn’t enough to go around, so I don’t get to have any because I’m a bad person (this scarcity mindset has got to go!).  In an unconscious (and cruel, bizarre) way, I’ve been punishing myself by not doing what I need to do to take care of my disease.  How insane and bogus is this?!  Let’s clear that shit out right now.

And so I did.  Belly heart open mouth, I saw myself as that young, sensitive, scared 14 year old with the IV in the cold hospital bed and I loved her up.  I saw that young, sensitive 12 year old with the hole in her heart and the belief that the sweetness of life was gone because her dad died.  And I loved her up too.  I called back the sweetness of life.  I called back self love.  I called back the desire and innate belief of being taken care of by the Universe.  I breathed into the pain and injustice of “it’s not fair” that I was holding in my liver.  I breathed into my innocent and abused pancreas.  And with the breath, I opened myself to the Divine as I allowed the golden light of my higher self to flood my entire body.  And I felt that warmth, that heat, that goodness from the crown of my head all the way down to the tips of my toes.  I am not a bad person.  I am a human person.  I make mistakes and have fears and shadows, but I’m also here to spread light and goodness and healing, with the abundant spirit of the universe by my side. 

{Google images: thespiritscience.net}

And guess what….. since that breathing session, my blood sugars have been amazing!  It seems that I’ve taken the emotional charge out of the numbers, so I’m more likely to check them.  Some of the fear is gone, so I’m comfortable with letting them be in a lower range.   But ultimately I like to think that I’ve finally given my body permission to heal itself because, dammit, I am a good person and I am ready to love ALL of myself. 

Point to ponder: Is there an area of your life where you’ve been unconsciously (or consciously!) been punishing yourself?  Where has fear been keeping you stuck?  Are you ready and willing to face this fear in order to set yourself free??  It's new moon time, so the perfect opportunity to set intentions for your freedom and healing is now.  You are worth it!

If you’ve been following along on my journey, you probably know I can’t say enough amazing things about the power of breathwork.  If you are interested to see how this modality can transform you’re life, I’d be honored to be that guide and witness for you.  I’m offering group circles for those who live in NYC and am available for private sessions in person or via Skype (thank you technology!). 

You can also get MP3s with my teacher David Elliott at his website here if you want to start your own at-home daily practice.

Soul Sunday Meditation: #Romancing

My creativity inspired me to create a meditation video as a way to honor Soul Sunday.  I'm not a film maker (yet!), so with sirens, shakes, and stumbles, I offer you a sweet, simple, short Soul Sunday meditation to add to your spiritual practice for more #summering self-love. 

Love and light from my tender heart to yours! 

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My Fear Happened…And I Survived

Recently, I decided to up my game, play big, and expand my offerings to a couple different studios in Manhattan.  Creating these new opportunities has also created fears.  Am I doing too much?  Will anyone show up?  Am I ready?  Do I actually know what I'm doing???

Last night, one of my fears happened: no one showed up.  But I did the work anyway.
And my lesson:  I survived!

I opened the circle to the spirits in the room with me.  I spoke out loud where I feel stuck in my life and in my creativity.  And then I laid down on my mat to breathe.  It struck me how the playlist I had been listening to and prepping for a group of people was actually just right for me in what I needed to hear and feel.  I needed to show up for me.

"I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing." {Ingrid Michaelson}

And I allowed myself to feel all the feelings: frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, relief, joy, peace.  I cried.  I yelled.  I laughed through an entire song - so much so that my abs felt sore!  I found my grounding and my self-love.  

When initially I felt like throwing in the towel, I remembered the goddess I had chosen at the last new moon circle when these fears of "doing it right" began to surface: Brigit - "Don't back down".  And so I didn't.  I took the time and space to breathe and feel and release and breathe some more.  I have a fear of abandonment, because I so often abandon myself and my body.  So through the breathing I saw myself take my own hand and cradle my own heart.  I will make the promise to myself everyday until it is so ingrained in me… the promise that I will always be there for ME and, as a child of the Universe, I am actually never alone.

So my encouragement to you is to face the things you are afraid of.  Jump off the cliff or take that risk.  When you make it to the other side (which I know you will), you will be able to say (with your superhero cape on), you survived!  You've conquered that fear, so you don't need to let it stop you anymore!

"Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long" {Sarah McLachlan}

This Thursday (7/9), come rain or shine, come one person or a hundred persons, I'll be breathing to release fear in order to choose more love.  If you are in the NYC area, I'd love to have you join me.  And if you're not able to attend, I am available for private sessions (in person or via phone/skype) to guide you through the scary places of fear and into the glorious spaces of light.

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