Breathing Machine: #LoveWins

"Unedited, un-memorized, one-take-only, perfectly imperfect, I share a piece I wrote after a breathwork group on the day where Love won (6.26.15). In order to show up for myself, I step out of my comfort zone to be seen and perform for you as an act of self love for me. Evermore thanks for witnessing."

Belly heart open mouth
The room began to breathe
In rhythmic fashion
Belly heart open mouth
Belly heart open mouth
That made me feel like being part of a machine
Inhale inhale exhale
Inhale inhale exhale
But a soft
Fleshy
Sweaty
Alive machine of human being-ness
As we were squished together
In a dark warm summer room
Reclaiming parts of ourselves
That previously were a source of shame
Belly heart open mouth
Belly heart open mouth
Belly heart open mouth

Inhale inhale exhale
Inhale inhale exhale
Reclaiming
Power
Beauty
Confidence
Intuition
Anger
Pleasure and play
Self love
Our bodies
Our too much
Our weird
Our whole selves

Belly heart open mouth
Belly heart open mouth
As tears released
And my cry erupted out
The room became alive with noise
And movement
And passion
And energy
From soft whimpers
To guttural moans
To long yells
To hoots of joy and hilarious giggles

Belly heart open mouth
Belly heart open mouth
I felt the beauty of being in a body
Of feeling pain
Of feeling joy
Of feeling my heart so big and open
That I might just lift off the ground
And return to the stars

Belly heart open mouth
I felt the struggle
The challenge
The separateness our illusions hold
As I realized
Belly heart open mouth
Inhale inhale exhale
In this noisy room of breathing beauties
Fully expressing what it is to be raw, primal, tribal, real
I felt the intimacy of
We are connected as one
In this great big breathing alive machine
As a hand of the sister breathing next to me grasped mine
We are family

And I wept for you
And sang for you
For me
As you are me
And I am you
As I whispered and breathed a prayer

{Ho'oponopono}
I am so sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you

I am sorry for the times I've abandoned or hurt you
Please forgive me for the times I have been cruel or unfair or judged you
Thank you humans for carrying the burdens I can't carry myself and thank you for everything you are

I love you
Always
Endlessly
As Love always wins
Belly heart open mouth
 

Dreamscape

{image found on google images}

Dreams are odd
Mysterious
Intriguing
Swirling images
Distant places
Familiar faces
All gathered in one space
That seem to make sense
Only in the magical
Fantastical
Absurdity
Of sleep world
Dream land

My dad was in mine a few nights ago
A busy scene of extended family
Bustling around
As I sat next to him
And wanted everyone with a camera
To take a picture of us
Together
Just us two
Somehow knowing
Even in dreamland
That being together was to be savored
Treasured
Captured
Because as soon as I opened my eyes
He'd be gone
Disappear into the unseen spirit world

And then
As dreams do
Morphing
Swirling
Changing on a dime
He was holding and kissing my little sister
She was 5
And, strangely
Yet logically
 (as we were in dreamland remember)
I was me
An adult
Watching this tender moment
Between father and his littlest girl

And the adult me in this dream
Felt a pang in my heart
Of grief
Sadness
Longing
But I realized it wasn't grief for myself
Not my sadness for the knowing
Of how the missing hurts
I have released a lot of mine using the breath
It was sorrow and grief for my sister
Seeing her as such a precious
Little golden happy girl
And knowing
How she wouldn't have the memories
The experience
The story
Of having a dad around in physical form
To love her how little girls need to be loved

And just as quickly
The dream shifted again
Soon when I realized the chimes sounding
Were indeed NOT from my dream world
But from the alarm set on my phone
As I sleepily reached for the snooze
I pondered on this sometimes sneaky emotion of grief
The layers
The depth
How it pops up unannounced
When you least expect
Even in sleeping

Will one ever be through with grief?
Most likely not
Just as the leaves lose their leaves each fall
And the natural cycle of the world
Life, death, life, death
Continues the circle
In every aspect of a lifetime
There will be loss to grieve

But just so is the depth of my grief
Lies the opposite
In the immense capacity for joy
When both sides
Both cycles
are given space
To be felt
To be held
To be honored
To be healed

Breathwork for Healing
At Center for Remembering and Sharing
123 4th Ave 2 floor, NYC

Thursdays in July & Aug
*No circle July 30th
7:30-9:30
Exchange: $20

Revolutionary Heart

Breathing into my beautiful body 
And the perfect imperfections
That I am learning to love
I promised myself
And to soul-light above
To stop biting my tongue
Hiding my magic
And stuffing my "too much" away
💫
No more fear of my fire I say
Sexy, wild, pampering, pleasure, play
Through juicy expansion is the way
💫
So sisters
It's time to rise
Gather together
Celebrate, brag, dance, desire
And so it shall be or better
It is safe 
No more burning at the stake
Say what we need to say
As we flow, prance, strut, sway
💫
I feel the beat in my breast
Feel the call in my heart
Honoring the divine feminine
Dear sisters, is where we need to start
💫

Breathwork Breakthrough

Belly heart open mouth
I dove into the week
head-first knowing
something big was gonna shift
because lots of old shit
was being stirred up
before I even left

shame, secrecy, guilt
am I worthy enough?
am I being responsible?
am I being selfish?
for taking this time
for spending this money
to do, what I knew deep down
my heart was on fire to do?

belly heart open mouth
I allowed the breath to take over
surrendering to whatever came up
after feeling discomfort in circle
when we shared about
intuition, sensitivity, emotions
blocks, judgement, money
family, relationships, pain
value, worth, exchange
and, ultimately, self love

belly heart open mouth
I admitted that I abandon my body
money makes me anxious
debt makes me feel like a bad person
insulin makes me fear for my survival
it's hard for me to receive
and I don't allow myself to have a voice sometimes

belly heart open mouth
I ventured into my body
with circle opposite partners
supportive, generous, beautiful healers
holding space for my journey
with oils, affirmations, touch
each one giving me exactly what I needed
to purge
to go deeper
to cleanse
to see clearer
to release
to laugh lighter
to cry
to scream louder
to heal
to feel freer

belly heart open mouth
Ali sang a song for my tears
feeling the beauty of angels and light
around the flowing of deep sadness
Randi released the shame and grief
I was holding around my femininity
acknowledging the block in my second chakra
and the hiding of a dream from my feminine center
to create and to embrace being flowy
Kathleen held space for the black thorns
that had overgrown in my sacral chakra
to blossom into pink roses
and then a lush garden as Mother Earth wrapped her ivy around mine
as my body became one with her soil
the insulin in my body sparkled
through my veins like golden energy
the fire and power of the goddess in my solar plexus
began to grow
I've got work to do
Bengt gently led me to my younger self
the precious golden little girl
who had been lost
There's so much beauty in the world
and together, she and I, we danced across my body
which became the world
sprinkling golden fairy dust in every cell
every lake, river, mountain, plain
landing in my heart center
where my dad cradled her
where I didn't feel alone or abandoned anymore
Beth coaxed me to reclaim my childhood
reminding me what it is
to giggle like a little girl
for me to give to ME freely
making healing easy
becoming my own abundant, generous money tree
and with her magical massaging hands
I let go of my father's pain
my mother's pain
my siblings pain
my family's pain
I let go of MY pain
my triggers to sugar
my stubbornness
my habit of filling up my cup last
and when I stopped holding my own bird cage closed
and when I stopped squeezing my own throat
I could finally sing
I could finally be free

belly heart open mouth
I was nestled all week in love by a tribe
who doing their own healing
valued me and mine
their power and strength as gifted healers
mirrored for me what I had yet to claim
in myself
as I also held space for the healing of my partners
and in this nest created by my new tribe
I read my poetry
performed with my body
and sang with an open heart and throat
realizing that allowing myself to take up space
with creative expression
is an essential form of self love

belly heart open mouth
as the journey came to a close
David, the reluctant amazing healer
held space for my most joyful breathwork experience ever
my breathwork breakthrough
free from resistance
free from holding my heart closed
self love and joy surged through my body
laughs and a yell so pure from my open throat
and a feeling of finally being at home in my body
as my body became my abundance tree
with my roots firmly in Mother Earth
spirit animals gathered around
I am not alone
a garden in my womb
birds flying in and out
of the heart in the center of the trunk
in the center of my chest
feeling the wind in my branches
reaching up and around
to the sun, the moon, and all the stars in the Universe
Spirit flew in as I made a contract to be of service:
You are ready
You are home
You are love

belly heart open mouth
and gratitude
sweet and deep love
for the gift of breath
filling up and releasing layers
for a new me
a truer me
belly
heart
open mouth