Shedding Skin & How My Dream Helped Process Grief

How are you holding up out there in this wild, chaotic, overwhelming world?

It’s been since July of 2024 since I’ve written a blog post about my current musings and I’ve missed popping in your inbox from time to time.

(most of my blog drafts start out that way… “it’s been awhile since I’ve written…”
so I haven’t forgotten about you, my beloved email list! Hitting SEND more often this year is something I’m striving for)

But how are you really? How’s your heart? What’s on your mind? How does your body feel?

For me, I’m doing fairly well when I don’t get caught up in the doomscroll of the socials. I find I’m just trying to ride the waves of hope and despair* as I witness what’s happening in the world. 

(*From the words of one of my favorite poets Lyndsay Rush: There is nothing and everything to do / so when the world offers me the choice between hope and despair / I take one in each hand / and let go of what’s heavy. This whole Maggie Smith Said We Could Make This Place Beautiful poem is worth the read.)

*

*

Currently (and finally!), I’m stepping away from a job and income source that hasn’t been a fit for a good while. It’s the Year of the Snake so it feels like an appropriate time for this ending/beginning and I’ve been wondering what it feels like for a snake to shed its skin.

Is it as uncomfortable as I feel to be in the messy middle of transition and change??

On one hand, it feels exciting and freeing. On the other hand, it’s hard to leave a place that feels familiar and end working relationships that I really loved.

*

*

The other day I was driving home from my workout and I put on Defying Gravity from the Wicked Movie (theatre nerd alert!). As I was belting out some of the lyrics and getting emotional, I realized, “Oh. Under my anger is grief.” 

🎶Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap 🎶

Feeling grief for not only how things have turned out and how things could’ve been, but for all the hard things in life that are happening right now.

*

*

A couple nights later in the too-early-to-get-up wee hours of the morning, I had a dream about my dad. For those of you who are newer to my newsletter, my dad passed away from cancer when I was twelve.

In my dream, it was the last few days of my dad’s life but rather than being twelve, I was my adult self. It was so vivid that it woke me from sleep and I could literally feel the deep grief well up in my body and release through my tears, grateful to have one of my pups in bed to snuggle.

Feeling grief for not only how things have turned out and how things could’ve been, but for all the hard things in life that are happening right now.

Dreams (or visions in breathwork) like this have happened to me before where I get to process my trauma and loss as an adult and wow, what a powerful experience to have the subconscious (or other states of consciousness like in breathwork) help me with my healing.

It was as if a part of me knew that I needed that little pressure release valve to let out all the heavy and only in the softness of dreamland would I let my armor down for a moment.

*

*

My wish for you on this full moon is to find the spaces and places that let you process all that you are carrying so you can let go of what’s heavy. For you to find your joy and play. For the support you need for your body, mind, heart as you shed any old skins. 

JOURNAL PROMPTS: 

-Is there anything in my life that feels like it’s run its course and needs to change? (Habits, thought patterns, relationships, projects, etc?) 

-Where am I ready to shed? 

-With the full moon, what feels full and good in my life?

-In what ways does my body, mind, heart need nourishment? 

SONG FOR SHEDDING SKIN: Metamorphosis by MILCK on Spotify
Metamorphosis by MILCK Official Audio YouTube version

Don't Let The Weight Fold You

“Don’t let the weight fold you.”

…my trainer said as I stepped out of the rack with 177.5 lbs on my back.

It’s not the heaviest I’ve squatted since getting back to barbell lifting, but we are definitely tickling the ceiling of my last personal record.

In the previous meetings of this weight, we talked about “fighting the fold”…..the tendency my upper body has to lose its strong position under the bar when the weight is really heavy as I try to lift up and out of the squat driving with my hips.

Fight the fold isn’t a new cue for me, but the way my coach worded it the other day resonated with a zing into my awareness.

DON’T LET THE WEIGHT FOLD YOU.

Often when I’m working with bodies in breathwork, craniosacral therapy, or energy healing sessions, something in the body and energy lights up for me. It’s like a part of the body or energy gets highlighted with a highlighter or draws me in like a magnet. It calls my attention, so I listen and follow, even if I don’t know exactly why until later.

That’s what this pre-lift pep-talk felt like for me! The impact of the words landed with a full body YEEESSSSS and a nudge to “pay attention.” Listen and follow.

So as I pondered why those words struck me differently that day while I rested between sets, I realized how the insight was meant for not only the moment at hand as I stood with that heaviness on my back, but for the moment I’m in (and WE are in) with life itself.

DON’T LET THE WEIGHT FOLD YOU.

Little did my trainer know that the night before I had laid down in my basement to do breathwork to one of my own playlists and, two breaths in, I cried the whole time.

I haven’t breathed for myself in awhile, so there was a lot to be released and the cleanse was much needed.

And so the contrast that next day of the strength and steady determination with weight lifting to the soft and messy tenderness of somatic healing practice was a great reminder of the full spectrum of being human.

We need both the strength and the softness.
We get to be both strong and tender (and everything in between).

Life and the world feels intense right now.
Maybe for you too?

If the weight feels heavy on your shoulders, don’t let it fold you.

Feel it.
Resist the hardening of your heart.
Keep showing up.
And remember we’ve got the coaches and space holders and friends and community and loved ones to help us through the discomfort.
That’s why we have spotters when we’re lifting heavy shit, yeah?

We are strong (and soft) enough for this.
Together.

PS: I crushed three sets of those squats! :)

Signs You Need Water*

*water, rest, food, sunshine, solitude, community, laughter, pet snuggles, a hot shower, a good cry, full-body yells, dance parties, quiet space, fill-in-the-blank

Since moving home from New York several years ago, i’ve slowly added more plant babies to my home here in Minnesota. Because I don’t quite have my Grandma Dorothy’s green thumb, I’ve leaned more into the hearty babies. You know, the ZZ plants and snake plants who don’t mind if I only water them once a week or so.

Awhile ago I got this cutie pie in the photo above for my healing space, but I loved it so much and it was doing so well in our dining room before I brought it to the space, I decided to keep it at home.

And one of the things I love about it most is how the leaves start to droop when it’s needing some TLC. A little sign that she needs water.

Which, of course, got me musing!!

AM I PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS THAT I NEED WATER?

It reminded me of the post I’ve seen where it said something like, “Drink water and get sunshine. Remember, you’re basically a house plant with complicated emotions.”

Complicated emotions would be accurate and it’s easy to forget about those simple needs that are so life-giving (like water and sunshine) when schedules are full and life is busy. Have I been giving myself enough rest? Enough food? Time with my people? A break from screens? Time to daydream?

When I start to feel “full” emotionally with tears at the back of my eyes, do I give myself the space to do some breathwork? When my hips get tight, do I get out of my chair, take a walk, or stretch? When I feel overworked and stretched thin, do I give myself time to sleep in and play? When I start to feel tired, do I keep pushing through or do I do a body scan to see if I’m hungry, dehydrated, or need a few minutes of a mental break?

*

*

So, my friend, today on the official start to SPRING in the northern hemisphere - the season of planting seeds and new beginnings - what are the signs you need water?

What are the little clues from your body that you need some TLC? What are the subtle cues from your heart and your spirit that you need care?

Are there touchstones that help you pinpoint when it’s time to stop and check-in with yourself before you are pulled too far off center?

What can you do for yourself for nourishment and nurturing? Where can you ask for support to help your drooping leaves stretch back up towards the sky?

If possible, it’s important to answer those calls when they are small and subtle. The body will get louder and your Spirit will get more insistent until you care for your sweet self, so let’s put ourselves closer to the top of our list, yes?

You’re worth it. I’m worth it. And our world needs us to be showing up as our fullest selves.

happy spring!

Litmus Test For Living

Before we get too far away from 2023, I’d like to pay tribute to one of my theatre professors who passed away back in May.

Even though I hadn’t seen her in years, I knew Teresa was struggling with cancer and I happened to run into her in one of the most kismet of ways a year ago in February of 2023.

I was heading into Williams Arena at the University of Minnesota for a men’s basketball game with my man. Our usual door that we always go in because of its closeness to the ramp we park in happened to be locked that day and we were rerouted to the front doors of the stadium. Right as we were walking past an Uber that had pulled over by the sidewalk, out of the car pops Teresa and her husband going to the game too.

A handful of minutes either way and I would’ve totally missed her. Instead, we got to chat and laugh briefly while we waited in line to show our tickets (making Teresa laugh was always the best because she had a GREAT sense of humor) and we parted ways with the promise of a coffee date sometime soon.
*

*

Then on a Monday in May, I was doing my after-dinner evening walk with our puppy Hazel and that magical moment of meeting on that February afternoon popped into my head out of the blue. I thought about how wild it was that we ran into each other in such an unlikely place and time.

Two days later, I received a text saying she had passed early that week. It was like she was popping into my awareness right before she headed for the stars. I’m happy my last memory of her was one where she had that twinkle in her eye and a joy in her step. She had looked good!

*

*

Teresa was one of my college theatre professors at St. Kate’s, a university located in MN where I graduated with degrees in theatre and theology. She mostly taught acting during my time there and her classes were my favorite.

One of my best memories of her was when a friend and I were so amped up and passionate about an acting method we’d read about in a book that we asked Teresa if she’d meet with us to do an “independent study”. She said yes! We’d meet once a week, early in the morning before classes would start, and go through the exercises in the book. We certainly didn’t get credit for it because it was “off the books”, so I’m pretty sure Teresa didn’t get paid for her time as she was a part time adjunct professor at that point. She was just doing it because we loved it and she loved it.

And that’s one of the things I came to realize from all the people who spoke at her celebration of life.

Teresa loved what she did.

My path crossed with hers early on in her tenure at St. Kate’s and unfortunately the theatre department there no longer exists. But just from everyone’s stories, especially from the students and staff who came after me, Teresa fought hard for the arts. She was always helping people see the connection between acting/storytelling/theatre/art and LIFE. She brought her love of acting into any professional job she had, even coaching leadership at Target. The other fun thing to learn about her was how she took her role as a mom just as seriously and passionately.

She loved what she did.

*

*

Since her celebration, I’ve often found myself thinking about her and reflecting on her life well-lived and well-loved. When I think back to my ferocious passion for acting and theatre… and when I consider how short this one lifetime is… it inspires me to use this barometer as a litmus test for living:

Do I love what I’m doing?

And how can I do more of what I love?

Now, life is certainly about doing things that make us uncomfortable and is full of things we don’t love. Like, I don’t love paying taxes (especially when they fund war materials and not universal healthcare!), going to the doctor, cleaning the toilet, paying my student loans from said liberal arts degree. There’s also certain privileges that come from being white, straight, and living in a two-income household with fur kids who don’t need astronomically priced childcare.

Part of being human is to chop wood and carry water. Some of us might have more flexibility with our time than others.

But of the time I DO have control of… say, my free time: am I doing what I love? Are there other ways of spending my time that are more LIFE-filling?

It’s easy to get caught in the rut or the scroll or the routine or “this is what I’ve always done” or “this is what I’m expected to do”.

So as we move through this waning moon time, let’s take time to look at where we put the power of our attention and where we spend our energy. The waning moon cycle is great for noticing where we might be ready to release and make space.

What tiny changes can we make so we can find more moments to fill with the things we love? When the world is on fire, how can we continue to chase joy so we have the endurance to stand up for humanity?

*

*

A big heartfelt thank you to Teresa. For the time spent those many years ago in the classroom and the rehearsal room and the stage. Thank you for reminding me to never stop going after and enjoying the things that I love. Whenever you want to do that coffee date from the stars, I’ll be there!